This is a Facebook post from my private account two years ago, it brings up so many emotions in me.
I remember this 34 woman desperately seeking to be in her 18 year old body, crushed under the weight of control. Feeling like an evening splurge would make her or break her.
She constantly watched how clean her food was and punished herself for eating and weighing too much by ploughing through runs that destroyed her hips, feet, and knees. She feared anything that was not on the "good" list of foods.
That night, after that breaded shrimp dinner, she was filled with the most vile negative self talk and the accompanying physical pain she created through judgment and fear.
She tried to rationalize everything, as if it mattered to everyone else how she looked, what she did, and what she ate. Yet what mattered most to her was her opinion of herself and she didn't understand that, she didn't believe that. She only believed what others thought of her.
The silence of others was deafening, the lack of compliments on her physique drove her deeper into self imposed hell. A compliment here or there further reinforced the cycle.
This woman hid behind clean eating and hours of physical training, she hid her binges, she hid her shame, she hid her sorrow.
If only I could go back to her and wrap my arms around her, hold her tightly, whisper that she is loved and that everything will be ok, I would. I know she wouldn't have believed me though. I know that she had to go through that hell to get where I am today.
This journey with food and body is never easy. We believe what we want to believe in the moment and sound advice goes in one ear and out the other when we are deep in the trenches.
If you are ready to come out of the trenches, if you want to see what it is like to start loving your body and to start loving food again, I hope you will connect with me HERE so we can set up a free 30 min discovery session. I'll meet you were you are at and we can go from there.
<3 <3 Cydney