Do you ever wonder how happy someone is behind their smile?
Pictures never tell the whole story.
Here I am at 25, holding a precious new being of planet earth.
I should have been happy, right?
Sure, I was happy in that moment, to be connected with and caring for this baby tapir, but inside, I was a mess.
I was a tall blonde with a good figure and a career that people seemed to envy.
I wasn’t happy though… in fact I was in hell.
I hated the body I was in and hated the way my mind operated.
I struggled to feel grounded and to make heartfelt connections with others that were based in love rather than need and drama.
I was drowning in self hate and felt like I was slowly dying inside.
I wanted desperately to be heard, loved, and adored.
I wanted to people to notice me, the real me.
So I did the only thing that I knew how to do… self destruct.
My mind swirled with tactics on how to get people to like me… to care.
My days filled with calorie counting, portion controlling and exercising, obsessed with perfection.
That was nothing new to me, I had 5+ years of that under my belt.
I had to control something because I felt out of control in my head and in my relationships.
But, I needed to be thinner. Thinner is the panacea to getting what we want, right? That’s what we are told so I bought in.
I believed that if I could become desperately thin, someone would finally notice me... help me.
They didn’t come.
So I started binging and purging at work.
No one came to pull me out of hell.
When that didn’t work, I started cutting.
Still no one came.
The next 10 years would be filled with mostly fake smiles.
More controlling, more obsessed behaviors around food, more exercise, and more binging.
More control did not bring me peace. No one came to my rescue no matter what I did to my body.
I needed something to change… my body was failing from the self abuse.
There came a day that I realized that no one was coming, and I couldn’t expect them to.
It wasn’t their responsibility…it was mine.
At what point do you decide to change? When is bad, bad enough? How much self abuse is worth it?
I don’t know what that answer is for you, but I finally learned when it was enough for me.
I wish nothing more for you to come to this place... this place where you see that you are your rescuer and that you are enough exactly as you are.